I’ve always been stubborn. Very stubborn. Hard headed even. As a child when I got mad I would slam doors and say ugly things. And what did I get in return. I got punished, usually by my grandfather with a belt.
I don’t really remember any of the specific instances on why I got mad in the first place. What I do remember is never being coached on working through the anger and what a better response might have been. I am working through my anger issues and I’ve shared about that in another post. What I learned about the times I got angry and said ugly things was basically that it wasn’t right and just shouldn’t happen. There. That’s it.
So, over time when I got angry/frustrated with something I would just stuff my emotions and go along like nothing happened. Well stuffing like that can only go on so long and then there would be one thing that got on my last good nerve. Then, I would explode and say some very unkind things. I was, however, careful to explode only around family because it wasn’t proper to show such emotion elsewhere.
The words I’ve said over the years when I got mad were not nice. There was never any of the “think before you speak” initiative going on here. I just said basically whatever popped into my head; I didn’t use curse words or take God’s name in vain but they were just as bad. I used my words to blame others, shame myself, build up walls between myself and someone, or even bring up past hurts or annoyances I felt someone had caused me and use those things against them.
I’ve been working through a lot of stuff regarding emotions, how to deal with them and not let them control me or my reaction. When I respond to someone in a heated moment my gut reaction is just to say what and how I feel without regard for how it comes out of my mouth. Ouch!
What I have been keenly aware of during this process is how I need to pick and choose my words carefully in response to a situation. Once those words are spoken there is no going back, and in a lot of instances I cause a lot of hurt. I am ashamed to say it but I have caused the person I love the most, my wonderful husband, a lot of hurt because of my inconsiderate use of words in the midst of a heated discussion. To see the hurt in his eyes or hear it in his voice is more than I can bear but I have done it repeatedly. I thank God for this patient man I have! He is such a Godly man with such wisdom and insight. He knows God is working on me and continues to give me abundant grace in this area.
I thank God for the progress I am making in this area. I am learning a lot about handling my reactions to my emotions. I am thankful for God’s grace toward me in my shortcomings as I grow.
I am learning to not fly off the handle as the old saying goes. I seek to try to craft the appropriate Godly woman response to a situation. Have I achieved perfection in this? Absolutely not. Will I ever have it down pat? Probably not, and that’s my honest answer.
Proverbs 18:21 says “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
To quote a phrase from Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst “I can face things out of my control without acting out of control”. This is my hearts desire; that I be a Godly woman who can emulate Jesus by the way I walk through the various life encounters.