One of the images I have in my head is of a little girl wearing a frilly dress and patent leather shoes (okay the shoes date me but they were “in” when I was little). This little girl is twirling around with her arms wide and she’s smiling, happy, and basically dancing to whatever melody is playing in her head. She’s free in the moment, just enjoying who she is.
Why is this important to me? One of the things I’ve realized with all of the reflecting on the past that has occurred is that I don’t recall ever having one of those moments as a little girl. Never being free in the moment to just be me.
I’ve shared in other posts about the expectations to be “perfect” that were ingrained in me growing up. What this “perfect” child was expected to not do was make waves of any kind. As such I had to make sure that everything I did lined up with what was expected of me. Granted I thought this was normal for a kid and didn’t know differently back then. I do remember thinking about some of the fun things my friends were doing, especially spur of the moment. I did wonder why I didn’t ever get to do things like that. Did I ever ask why or if I could join in? (I think I tried something once but was basically punished and told I shouldn’t do things like that.) So, basically no I didn’t ask Mom because I thought she would have told me if it was okay. I think you have probably gotten the idea that Mom was very OCD and didn’t like anything that wasn’t planned and detailed ahead of time and she expected the same from me.
When this realization of never having “free to be me” moments as a little girl came to light, yes I was sad. Sad for the little girl in me that missed out. Sad for the little girl in me that still wants and needs those moments. As of this writing I am 53 years old and am still learning about the little girl in me. All women still have those little girls inside and some of those little girls carry around a lot of baggage that little girls shouldn’t have to have.
I’ve gained so much freedom in my growth and have let go of a lot of sadness about my past. I’m addressing a lot of the issues with my little girl inside. I can be very detail oriented and organized which is a great gift but I don’t let it control my every move. I’m compassionate, caring, loving, and fun. I have a great sense of humor. I’ve also discovered I love to be spontaneous and sometimes random (okay the random part can be a little more than just sometimes). The spontaneous and fun part has been the most freeing of anything. I don’t have to be perfect (and believe me I’m not).
I’ve discovered life can be fun. Its my choice on how I approach it and whatever comes into my life. With Jesus at the center I am learning to trust Him more and more. John 10:10 (Amplified Bible) says “ The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I cam that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance”.
As the scripture says, Jesus desires that we enjoy an abundant life and that is my desire. I am loved by an amazing God and by some pretty awesome people who He has placed in my life. Life can and is fun and I don’t want to miss a moment that God has for me. I don’t want to miss a single blessing. I don’t want to miss any joy.
And yes, I have danced for the first time but not the last. I may not be twirling for public viewing but rest assured it does happen. And no, I don’t have the patent leather shoes.